Monday, March 19, 2012

Post Modern Haiku
Nothing is too important
Not much can be said

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Dungeons and Dragonflies

Dungeons and Dragonflies was an idea I had for a webseries about a group of four men who lived together but also played a game of Dungeons and Dragons every week. It was based off a time when I lived with (names changed) Gary, Randolph and Jackson. Now the idea of the series was going to be how hard it was to live in house with a group of guys, and how our games would effect our characters in game, and vice versa. Overall the series never happened, but we did shoot a quick pilot, which is still, understandably, rough around the edges but didn't quite live up to the humour of the script. However, it is a nice little flashback to the time when I lived in North Bay with good friends who were almost always over. I miss the days, but sometimes it's fun to just look back on it with an amused smile.

This script is divided into OG (out of game characters) and IG (In game characters)
Danke = Matti
Laeron = Jason
Jezebel = Maggie
Jacob is the Dungeon master and as such is not involved directly in the game

Dungeons and Dragonflies

Danke, Laeron and Jezebel are waiting in the dungeon looking bored.
Danke: Seriously. Who are we waiting for?
Maggie, Matti, Jason and Jacob are sitting around a table.
Jason: Jimmy.
Danke: Again?
Maggie: He’ll be back in a second.
Danke, Laeron and Jezebel are still sitting around
Laeron: He is currently occupied.
OG: Matti: He’s pissing isn’t he?
IG: Laeron: Aye. He is.
IG: Jezebel: Don’t talk like that, it’s creepy.
OG: Jason: What? I’m getting into character.
IG: Gondola: Sorry. I am fine now. Come let us continue the battle.
OG: Maggie: About time.
OG: Jacob: Shall we continue?
OG: Jason: Where were we?
IG: Danke: Lets do this!
The session begins as five enemies appear.
OG: Jacob: You’re cornered in the right tower…
OG: Maggie: We’ve been through this already.
OG: Jacob: Jimmy doesn’t know…
OG: Maggie: Fine, explain it to him.
OG: Jimmy: I know already.
OG: Matti: Good, so we can continue from where…
OG: Jason: So tell us, what just happened?
OG: Jimmy: I don’t know…
OG: Jacob: *has conniption* You’re pursuing the wounded dragon. You were jumped by six half orcs.
IG: Danke: I thought we were fighting zombies.
OG: Jacob: Jezebel took one, stabbed it, and then it was finished off by Laeron with a chaosbolt. Danke, you sat there and played your song.
OG: Matti: Your welcome.
OG: Jacob: Gondola. It’s your turn.
Gondola goes up to hit the monster.
IG: Gondola: I need to pee.
OG: Jacob: You just went.
OG: Jimmy: So?
OG: Jacob: Just pee in your pants! What do you do?
IG: Gondola: I don’t know… What can I do?
IG: Danke: Just hit it!
IG: Gondola: I hit it with my axe!
OG: Maggie: You don’t have an axe.
IG: Gondola: I do!
Throws AXE deodrant at the monster. The monster looks confused.
(OG: Jacob facepalms)
OG: Jacob: That doesn’t work. What do you do?
IG: Gondola: I need to pee.
Jacob: You can’t pee on it.
IG: Gondola: I have corrosive pee. It burns the…
OG: Jacob: You do not have corrosive pee.
OG: Jimmy: I could…
IG: Jezebel: Please just stop this conversation now.
IG: Gondola: But…
IG: Jezebel: No buts. No peeing. It’s gross.
IG: Gondola: Fine. I hit it with my axe.
OG: Jason: You don’t have an axe.
IG: Gondola: Fine. I pass.
IG: Danke: What? You can’t pass!
IG: Gondola: I just did…
OG: Jacob: You pass. The orc…
OG: Jason: Half orc.
OG: Jacob: The half orc (Jason: Thank you) attacks. The hit… connects and deals damage to you and Danke.
IG: Danke: What? (Gets hit, collapses)
OG: Matti: Dammit Jimmy! I only have five HP left!
OG: Jimmy: That’s not my fault. Could someone pass me my chee-tos? (Matti throws them at him)
OG: Matti: I hate you.
IG: Laeron: Children. Down.
IG: Jezebel: Is it my turn yet?
OG: Jacob. The third half orc lunges at you giving you an attack of opportunity. What’s your reflex?
OG: Maggie: 16.
OG: Jacob: You dodge. Play it out for us.
OG: Maggie: I leap into the air and…
Jezebel: (fights a half orc) And stay down.
OG: Jacob: Danke?
IG: Danke: I whip out my flute… and play a jaunty tune…
OG: Jacob: Very good.
IG: Danke: Seriously, is there anything else I can do?
OG: Jason: I thought you wanted to be a bard.
OG: Matti: you chose my character for me. You rolled my stats for me.
OG: Jacob: Your welcome by the way.
OG: Matti: You gave me the crappiest stats.
OG: Jason: Maybe you should re-roll your character if you’re not happy with him.
OG: Matti: Well what else could I do?
OG: Jacob: Focus.
IG: Danke: Fine. For my minor I hide behind Laeron.
OG: Jacob: Laeron. It’s your turn.
IG: Laeron: I want to use my daily: Dazzling ray.
IG: Danke: More like dazzling gay.
IG: Laeron: Shut up you. (He slaps Danke. Danke collapses)
OG: Jacob: Danke takes two damage.
IG: Danke: Oh come on!
OG: Jacob: Roll for the attack. (Jason does) What’d you get?
IG: Laeron: 24.
IG: Jezebel: Each?
IG: Laeron: Each. (Laeron charges up his attack.)
OG: Jacob: Well you killed them…
IG: Danke: Death by gay.
IG: Laeron: Quiet gnome.
OG: Jacob: The three advancing half orcs are destroyed.
IG: Danke: In a brilliant shimmering pile of gay.
IG: Laeron: Ignoring you…
OG: Jacob: The final half orc is starting to get worried. He lunges out and attacks at Gondola. Gondola, roll for… Where’d he go now?
OG: Maggie: Jimmy! (Flushing sounds)
IG: Danke: I swear that man has a leak. Can we just kill him?
OG: Jacob: We can’t do that…
OG: Matti: Seriously. Think about it. He’s the one we’re always waiting for. He’s the reason we’re always playing for hours and making no progress in this quest. This campaign is growing long, tedious and…
IG: Laeron: Do not make me hit you again young gnome.
IG: Jezebel: You know, he does have a point…
IG: Danke: I’m just saying, wouldn’t we find more treasure, or more experience if we were one dwarf lighter?
OG: Jason: Are you saying we should kill the gnome?
OG: Matti: I’m the gnome. I’m saying we should kill Jimmy.
OG: Maggie: Kill the gnome... I like it.
OG: Jimmy (re-enters) Did I miss anything?
OG: Matti: It’s your turn.
OG: Jimmy: You guys weren’t planning to kill me again, were you?
IG: Jezebel: We get any loot?
Jacob: You find a belt, a ring, a cloak and a dagger.
IG: Danke: Dibs on the belt.
IG: Jezebel: Dagger.
IG: Laeron: Cloak.
IG: Gondola: And great so I get nothing.
OG: Matti: There’s still the ring dumbass.
IG: Gondola: Oooh! So I actually get something this time?
OG: Jacob: If you take it.
OG: Jimmy: Cool! So I take the ring…
IG: Danke: It’s all yours.
IG: Gondola: Oh wow… Danke…
IG: Danke: You’re welcome.
OG: Matti: Never gets old.
IG: Gondola: This ring seems bigger then most.
OG: Jacob: It’s a cock ring.
IG: Gondola: Then it’s just my size.
OG: Matti, Maggie, Jason: Gross.
OG: Jimmy: It’s a perfect fit. What are it’s stats?
OG: Jacob: It’s plus five to impotence.
OG: Jimmy: That’s a good thing right?
OG: Jacob: Irregardless, you guys have defeated four half orcs.
IG: Danke: Yay. Go us. Look at us fly.
OG: Jimmy: We can fly now? I’ll be right back...
OG: Maggie: You better not be going to the washroom again.
IG: Jezebel: I swear that man has a leak...
Laeron: What lies beyond this cave of wonder and delight?
OG: Matti: Don’t know... Can we just get on with it?
OG: Jacob: We can’t do anything until Jimmy gets back here.
OG: Jason: You know, this whole killing the elf thing sounds pretty damn tempting right about now...
IG: Danke: That is exactly what I’ve been saying this whole time. Wouldn’t it be nice to actually have some fun in this quest?
OG: Jacob: We are having fun. Look at the fun that we are having.
(A loud crash is heard)
OG: Maggie: What the hell was that?
(Door opens) OG: Jimmy: Lesson learned. You can’t fly.
Danke: Any one of us could’ve told you that.
Gondola: I just had to find out for myself.
Matti: Can we please just get back to the game?
Gondola: Look at my mighty amulet of...
Jacob: No amulet.
Gondola: But I found it outside and it has...
Jacob: Jimmy! For the last time you CANNOT create your own items and input them into the game. That’s not the way that dungeons and dragons works.
Maggie: You roll the dice only when its your turn.
Jason: And for the last time, you do not have corrosive pee!
Jimmy: My urine disagrees with you.
Danke: So get your head in the game or get out.
Gondola: Fine... Can I keep my amulet?
Matti: For crying out loud Jimmy, no!
Gondola: Fine. I throw it at Danke.
Jacob: It does two damage.
Danke: What?

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


An observation from a year ago:

If Charlie Sheen was a sober man:
"Hey, I just watched this great new tv show."
"Really? Who's in it?"
"Charlie Sheen?"